The Valencommune
The IRC session that started it all

I, Damon, am a packrat. Sometimes it's a little embarrassing to have a hard drive full of old email and IRC logs. But then occasinally it does come in handy, as when I found I'd kept a transcript of this particular IRC session, which became the genesis of the valenstory legacy. As part of her duty to posterity, Sherlyn edited this transcript somewhat so that reading it should not produce nausea and vomiting. Note, however, that we cannot guarantee that you will experience no unpleasant side effects.

*** EDITOR'S NOTE: I wasn't involved in this. No. Not me! The piquet you see on your screen is someone else. Someone else, I tell you!
* The following session has been edited. Believe me, it made even less sense before!

[SESSION BEGINS - Well, not really. We'd all been on for hours before this. But you know what I mean!]

* Kalaleq remembers some bad episodes

<Grocible> kal has bad episodes?
<piquet> bad episodes?
<piquet> is kal a soap opera??
<Grocible> yeah there was that truly awful episode where kal met his evil twin brother
<Grocible> and they conspired to take over the company

*** Kalaleq is now known as evilkal

<Grocible> but meanwhile kal's evil twin's former wife discovered she was pregnant.
<piquet> to his father!
<piquet> who, by a genetic fluke, was also his evil twin's evil twin
<Grocible> and she drove her Ferrari into the side of a building.
<Grocible> and nearly lost the pregnancy.
<piquet> but didn't
<piquet> because of the womb transplant
<piquet> from her evil twin sister
<piquet> who had been in the hospital on life support ever since the horseradish episode

<Grocible> Meanwhiel kal had discovered the mysterious tunnel under his house lead to enemy headquarters
<piquet> while following the tunnel, he and his intrepid young brother
<piquet> (two years old yet has a vocabulary of a 15year old)
<piquet> meet a mysterious and tragic race of midgets
<piquet> who had been doomed to live underground forever by the company's evil ways

<piquet> as it turned out
<piquet> the midgets were the clones of kal and his evil twin
<piquet> and his evil twins twin
<piquet> the clones had been engineered by the mad scientist

<evilkal> the leader of the midgets happened to be his evil stepmother's evil sister's evil uncle,
<evilkal> who had been gathering the midget clones together in preparation for his plan
<evilkal> to take over the known universe
<evilkal> which at the time consisted of a small island off the coast of british columbia

<piquet> the mad scientist lived in a lab that had lots of evil bubbling things
<piquet> and green noxious fumes
<piquet> and the evil twins would visit him every thursday, wearing white lab coats and masks
<piquet> until.. it was discovered...
<piquet> that the mad scientist was really kal's long lost son!
<evilkal> son?
<evilkal> by whom?

<piquet> the mad scientist was really kal's long lost son
<piquet> by his long lost twin sister
<piquet> who had been separated by him at birth
<piquet> when the hospital had been taken over by guerrillas
<piquet> who had later gone underground and evolved to become the mad midgets!

<evilkal> no, no, that's gorillas.
<evilkal> you've got it wrong
<evilkal> it was taken over by mad gorillas waving cool bananas
<piquet> oh, gorillas, sorry
<piquet> the gorillas had been incited to riot by the bad cheese
<evilkal> er, Cool Bananas! actually
<piquet> no, COOL BANANAS
<evilkal> sorry
<evilkal> COOL BANANAS
<piquet> but unbeknownst to them
<piquet> they contained mutagens
<piquet> because of the fertilizer marketed by the company

<evilkal> anyway, these frosty fruit became the staple food of the midgets
<evilkal> who all grew long blue noses as a result
<evilkal> and it was in these noses that the evil scientist's ultimate plan rested
* piquet can't possibly think how the evil scientist's plan could involve blue noses...
<evilkal> the idea was, the midgets were to infiltrate the residence of kal's evil twin sister's mother's uncle's second cousin's friend's lover
<evilkal> and there...
<evilkal> there they were to...
<piquet> sneeze?
<evilkal> yes
<evilkal> the Arctic Sneeze

<evilkal> for the mad scientist's plan involved the coming of the second great ice age
<evilkal> because, underneath his foul, evil exterior
<piquet> there lurked a foul, evil interior
<evilkal> the mad scientist was actually a terrible pushover for cuddly wooly mammoths
<evilkal> and his dream was to have a live one as a pet

<evilkal> however, the scientist's plans were finally foiled by the timely arrival of...
<piquet> kalaleq and his intrepid young brother?
<piquet> (who was, of course, actually played by twins on theshow)
<evilkal> an unknown entity
<evilkal> which was an amalgam of kal and his intrepid young brother (who didn't exist)
<evilkal> the amalgam was known as...
<evilkal> The...

*** evilkal is now known as SPOSC

<piquet> SPOSC!

<piquet> oh kal didn't i tell you?
<piquet> his intrepid younger brother was actually his intrepid elder sister in disguise
<piquet> the elder sister had to travel in disguise
<piquet> because of the loan sharks which were pursuing her
<piquet> because of the money she'd had to borrow to pay for the hospital care of her aging mother
<piquet> when she was possessed by demons

* SPOSC oozed intrepidly into the foul, smelly chambers of the enslaved midgets and intrepidly proceeded to rescue them from the foul clutches of the mammoth-obsessed scientist

*** SPOSC is now known as evilkal

<evilkal> whose plan thereby failed
<evilkal> but, unbenownst to the sposc, kal's *younger* sister, samara, was also involved in the evil plot to harken in the next ice age

<piquet> hey wait...
<piquet> you can't put samara in
<piquet> not without changing her name
<piquet> how about sarama?
<piquet> that's an intelligent anagram :)
<evilkal> masraa?
<evilkal> srmaaa
<piquet> mrsaaa
<evilkal> mr. saaa?
<piquet> yes!

<piquet> mr saaaa!
<piquet> the evil scientists's inept assistant
<piquet> who really wasn't inept at all
<piquet> but was secretly sabotaging the evil scientist's plans
<piquet> because he was in love with the intrepid younger sister!
<evilkal> but, the intrepid younger sister was unaware of mr. saaa's affections
<evilkal> in fact, the intrepid younger sister had, for quite some time
<evilkal> been dating the reincarnated elvis,
<evilkal> whom she had found some years earlier in a 7-11 in new joisey

<piquet> so... they were in the chocolate aisle
<piquet> which is a little ridiculous, 'cos she was actually looking for cat food
<piquet> for her aging grandmother
<piquet> who would only eat catfood
<piquet> (something to do with the inbreeding)

<evilkal> elvis himself, however, was rather taken with an individual by the name of gase, who lived in new joisey
<evilkal> and who was, by quite an amazing coincidence, kal's valentine, but that's another story :)
<piquet> esag you mean :)
<evilkal> whoops, yes, asge
<evilkal> :)

<piquet> well anyway
<piquet> the aging grandmother's secret lover's daughter's evil twin happened to be mr saaa's next door neighbour
<piquet> and mr saaa, pining with love for kals intrepid sister
<piquet> was going over to his/her house every evening to bake chocolate cake
<piquet> and to pine for his long lost intrepid-older-sister

<evilkal> piq, feel free to tell me about how your uncle's father's elder sister's cousin's pet cat was related to mr saaa through a genetic engineering experiment carried out by the mad scientist in a former life...
<piquet> oh, that's easy
<piquet> well, you have to understand the relationship between my evil twin-in-law
<piquet> and my distant relative who is really my mother's brother's second cousin twice removed
<piquet> 's next door neighbour
<evilkal> well, you see, my older sister's brother's father's son's daughter's aunt's brother.
<piquet> well... they are twins
<piquet> separated at birth
<piquet> when the guerillas...
<piquet> no wait, we used that one already

<evilkal> and then, of course, your mother's grandfather's elder sister's cousin's daughter's friend's lover
<piquet> kal: well, obviously - she's the genetically (almost wrote generically) engineered evil half sister double twin with a twist
<piquet> of my cat's archenemy's owner's first ex-husband's housemaid
<evilkal> with a twist?
<evilkal> half or full twist?
<piquet> both kal :)
<evilkal> both!
<evilkal> whoa
<evilkal> my uncle's dog's brother's second cousin's acquaintance's ...
<evilkal> etc

<piquet> in the meantime (dramatic segue)
<piquet> mr saaa's made an important scientific breakthrough
<piquet> he's discovered a way... yes... i kkid you not
<piquet> to link people's brains directly to their computers!
<piquet> using only 2 green apples and a matchstick
<evilkal> actually maybe that wouldn't be a good idea
<piquet> macgyver eat your heart out :)

<evilkal> btw, did you know that satan's sister's uncle's cat's lover's friend from iowa was also involved in the mad scientist's plot??
<piquet> or at least your evil twins half brother was :)
<piquet> or was that the mad scientist's evil plan... i don't remember

Teehee... If you stuck it out this long - you shouldn't have! Look out for the Interactive Valentine Version of this story - coming your way soon!

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